Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
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Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Can confirm.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog