Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
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Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.