Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

🙄😏😂🤣

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

i made a craigslist ad !

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.