Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
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when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.