Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
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Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”