Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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me logging onto twitter
edward fingerhands
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
The median voter
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free