Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

uh oh

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.