Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

Big Sex has us all fooled

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

satan: not today, microsoft teams

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.