Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

He’s cranky this morning

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

There are usually two types of merchants.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward