Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR: