Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.