Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”