Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
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My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
next question.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?