Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
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Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
