Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
You Might Also Like
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
WWE is French for “yes”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.