me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
selfie game
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw