ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
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Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Gods work.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.