ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: Iβll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
No, YOUR illiterate.
one thing Iβve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, itβs a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe