ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
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When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
yall want some gasoline milk
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
why does this building look like a guilty dog
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”