Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

God, I love Scotland

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?