Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

Eating for two.

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao