Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
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Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.