Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
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Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Always 🥴
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
mechanics be like
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me