Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
looks legit
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.