Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

God has left this place

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

Word.

~ Microsoft.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

OH. COME. ON.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.