Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?