Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
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“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers