Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
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Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?