Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
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[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.