Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

Was it something I said?

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

Word.

~ Microsoft.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us