ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
fired
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Friends that check up on you >
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no