Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.