Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

Goat cheese is for herders.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old