@AndyAsAdjective

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

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@PetrickSara

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

@khook32

Apparently telling the principal that “it’s not cheating, it’s cooperative learning” was the wrong thing to say.

@cameronesposito

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

@KattsDogma

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

@Book_Krazy

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

@AimeeHelene1

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

@stephenjmolloy

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

@stopbylater

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

@BlindChow

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend