ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
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KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
when u come home smelling like another dog
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*