Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
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My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
same but as an audience member
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.