Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
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Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
