Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.