Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FvdHSnYWwAAv_2M.mp4

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.