Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
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I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.