Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
About to form my very first opinion
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.