Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

And now we wait

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella