Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

🤣

Noah

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

roses are red
i fall when i skate