Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast