Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

I have no passwords left in me

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir