Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
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receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Which wines pair best with gloating?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.