ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
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How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
My AI girlfriend ran off with my imaginary best friend. I’m gutted – I really miss him.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
In case you needed to hear it:
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss