ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
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there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.