Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

Gemma Correll

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

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