Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.