Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
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People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
three things we don’t talk about
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm