Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

everyone has that one prude friend

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?