Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

no one likes gloating

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.