Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.