Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it