Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

I’ve been learning to cook.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

I went from rags to one rag.

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.