Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
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I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,