Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
You Might Also Like
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
