Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly