Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
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Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
i just found this in my phone
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.