Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?