Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Doctors texting each other.

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

Buck naked

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.