Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow