Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

Ooops wrong house😂😜

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1384815918937690113/pu/vid/640x1138/lXqNSqI8-fLdrzdn.mp4?tag=12

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?