Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
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Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I falcon love using swear birds
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened