Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
At ease
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”