me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
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If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
With a text.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.