Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

She might be a genius

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching