Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
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You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.