Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I used the label maker
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
