Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
