Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
