Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal