me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
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If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
the clam before the storm
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.