[fingers tented under chin]
What can I tweet that won’t make people yell at me
[brick flies through my window]
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
You Might Also Like
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Some days it’s little things, the tone of his voice or his words when we’re alone, that help me realize I’d rather have the insurance money.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.