@ellewasamistake

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

You Might Also Like

@InternetHippo

[fingers tented under chin]
What can I tweet that won’t make people yell at me
[starts typing]
Hello
[brick flies through my window]

@dksc4life

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

@sfreeze6

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

@Up2Long

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

@nerdreign

Some days it’s little things, the tone of his voice or his words when we’re alone, that help me realize I’d rather have the insurance money.

@dshack8

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@MissSassy_Pants

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.