Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha