Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
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me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs