Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
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If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I hate when people be tryna do shit outta sprite
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
New tinder profile pic
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.